A leap of faith

I know I've dropped off the face of the blogging earth. I can't keep up with my life, it moves too fast. But I was thinking about this today and thought I would share. I've not made it a secret that the last 7 years in Az have been difficult for me. We've been through so much both spiritually and temporally, and most of it has been just plain hard. But a couple months ago I decided to go back to church full time. Not that I ever really left the church, just that I was lazy and only went when I felt like it. But we've been going through things with our kids lately and I decided that I needed to suck it up and go regardless of how I felt about it because it was where the kids and I needed to be. And you know what, it's starting to get better. Not all at once, and not a lot. But a little. And right now that's enough because it's what I need.

So you know what happens when you don't go to church regularly and feed your spirit regularly? You lose that link with our Father in Heaven. For me, I lost the knowledge that He was there with me and really listened to me and wanted to help me. I mean, sure I knew it in the way that primary children can give you that answer when asked, but I didn't really KNOW it deep down. After all, who am I? My needs aren't greater than anyone, I'm not more special so therefore why would He pay attention to me. As the song says, I'm one of the ninety and nine. But I've had two experiences in the last week that have proven me to be 100% incorrect about my assumptions.

I was in the hallway before relief society this week, just hanging out avoiding going to Sunday school. That's when the relief society president came to talk to me about a lesson she had given a few weeks ago. One that really touched my heart and has helped me tremendously on my way back to church and spirituality. She told me how she had really struggled to put the lesson together for that week. So much so that her husband gave her a blessing, and in that blessing he blessed her that the person who needed to hear her message would be there that week. So I'm not arrogant enough to believe that the lesson was aimed just at me. I'm sure we all got something out of it, it was a wonderful lesson. But it started me thinking.

Today I was getting my hair colored, and my friend who does my hair and I were talking about our kids in school. My son is in the same grade as her daughter at school and we were talking about some teachers they'd had the year before. When my friend mentions the really difficult time her daughter had with one of the teachers the previous year. The details she was giving me confused me as to who the teacher was, until she mentioned she was the teacher who came in after winter break--when I had felt very strongly about pulling my son from school and homeschooling him. The stories I was hearing made me know without a doubt that my son would have had a very hard time in her class. I can't know what would have happened if I had left him in school, but I'm left with chills about how this teacher treated her students, especially one who is different and was already suffering from depression.

What I'm left with is a very strong testimony that our Father in Heaven does know every single one of us. He know us, and loves us. He is always watching over us. Just because He does not always give us the answers we seek and we do not always recognize the answers He gives doesn't mean that He's not there giving them. I have been begging Him to show me that He's there for me, and He answered me in a way that I cannot deny. I don't always know why I feel prompted to do things, but I do know that when I heed his promptings, blessings follow. It has only been after I listened and pulled my son from school, so much against what I wanted to do, that He has led me to the right people to try to get the help my son needs in school. After I took the leap of faith, He is blessing me in ways that I don't even realize, my benevolent puppet master in the background laying the groundwork for blessing me so that I don't even recognize He's been there all along. If that's not fatherly love, I don't know what is.

Hawaiian Haystacks

One of the other things I'm attempting this year is to batch cook our meals so that we eat out less often while making meal preparation a little easier on myself. This weekend was my first cook (and boy did I cook! I think I was cooking for 12-14 hours between two days), and tonight was the second night of eating the meals I had prepared.

Last night's meal didn't go off so well. I had read that if you were going to freeze and then reheat meatloaf that you should undercook it a little so that it doesn't dry out what you reheat. Well, I think it didn't get enough cooking time (and I'm not sure if it was the before freezing or after freezing cooking time I need to fix). While it looked cooked all the way through, the texture was of ground beef that isn't cooked all the way through. Since I didn't want to risk getting my family sick, I tossed it to be on the safe side. So we ended up eating sandwiches with green beans and cheesy scalloped potatoes.

Tonight's dish was much more successful. I found a recipe for Hawaiian Haystacks (I'm sorry, I don't remember the blog I found the recipe to, but I started my search on pinterest for freezer meals and this was one of the blogs about freezer meals), and everyone loved it. I think the kids liked that they got to choose what toppings they wanted on it too. I couldn't find the original blog I found it from, but this is the exact same recipe on this blog.

Tomorrow night is Chicken Enchiladas, hopefully they will come out well because we all love my enchiladas.

Week 1

I've always admired people who do project 365 (take a photo that represents every day in their life), but I just don't have the time for that. I would like to try to do a 52 week project this year though and post the photos here, maybe it will help me be better about blogging.

I thought this was appropriate for this week since today I began homeschooling my son. I've been fighting with the school for a year and a half to get him the IEP that he needs, something that would actually help him, and so far all I've been able to accomplish is and IEP that is based on his "behavior" not his medical needs. Needless to say, I'm over it. There are just certain skills that my son doesn't have that he needs to be taught in order for him to learn and the school can't or won't address those skills.

I have never been a proponent of homeschooling, I think there are benefits to being educated at school--if you know how to sit still and be quiet, that is. My girls are those cookie cutter learners, and they succeed in school. By the school's standards, my son is a failure even though he's the one of the three that has scored highest on gifted testing. I thought, given his intelligence, the school would be anxious to help my son out, his potential is so high. I've seen many of my friends or friends of friends who have children who struggle in school get help, so I really thought it would be easy. Boy was I wrong. I feel like his intelligence hinders him, like they just focus on that he won't do his work, they don't consider for a moment that maybe he can't do his work because his brain doesn't work the way other kids' brains do. Because it's not a question of whether he's smart or capable enough to do the work, the school turns it into that he is just defiant and he's a problem. This isn't to diminish kids who struggle in school, they need help just as much as my son does. But the problem I have is that my son needs help. Bottom line. And the school won't give it to him.

And so homeschool. Considering I just began my business about 8 months ago, and have already been having trouble balancing all the demands on my time, this is probably the worst idea I've ever had. But, I believe that if I focus on my son's needs first, my business needs will be able to be met. Maybe that means I'll have to scale back my plans for my business this year. Maybe, once again, it's not yet time for me to do what I want to do because it's time for me to continue devoting everything to my children, maybe they're just not ready for me to work full time yet. Whatever it is, I know that this is the right decision for my son so I'm doing it and having the faith that my needs will be met, probably through ways that I haven't even thought about.

So today was our first day. No screaming, crying, or tantrums yet--from either of us. I know not every day will be like today. There will be days of terrible frustration for both of us, days when I know I will not want to spend another minute with him and he with me. But for today, it was a good start. We didn't accomplish everything I thought we would, but we did enough. Part of homeschooling him is me being able to decide that, even though he didn't finish the placement test, an hour of math is enough for one day. And we'll just do our best tomorrow, that's all I can ask.