Some things are hard to say

Jason has been giving me a hard time about not posting lately, but I've been having a hard time, which makes it really difficult to talk about on a public forum like this. At the beginning of June, I got a phone call that I've been fearing: my grandma was in the hospital and they were going to have to put her on a respirator. I dropped everything that weekend and drove out to see her and to be with my family during the crisis. I had my moment alone in the hospital room with her to say goodbye and tell her how much I love her, but we all knew that she was ready to go so we all had to be strong for her. I came home the next day knowing that I'd had my chance to say goodbye and really needing the strength of my husband to get me through. My grandma passed away on our 12 year anniversary, and really since I got home from my trip, I've had a hard time. I know that I will be with her again, but I think it's just hard for us to say goodbye for now. As selfish as it is, I really miss her and wanted her to stay on the earth for awhile longer. I think we always think that we have more time, so there were times when I didn't go visit for one reason or another, and now all I have are regrets that I didn't take the time to see her more often. It was very cathartic for me, however to be able to create a collage that we will display at her memorial this weekend. I will share it once we get home, but I would like my family to be able to see it for the first time there and hopefully it will make them happy and sad like it did me when I was creating it. And I was really happy to be able to put my growing photoshop skills to work in a way that made me really happy (like restoring a photo that had been cracked). I'm grateful for the knowledge that I have of the future, that I will see my grandma again and that she was greeted by all her family when she got to the other side. And most of all, I'm grateful that I had this amazing woman in my life who loved me as I loved her, the way only a grandma can. And as she always said to us when expressing her love, I love her 2 pieces.